Tuesday, 05 December 2006

• Currently Listening Begin to Hope By Regina Spektor see related

  Really Funny Story (in a laughing-and-crying-at-the-same-time kind of way)

  (this is the story i promised to tell you, brett, but never did. i hope you enjoy it. its pretty good.)

  okay. i think most people know about the terrific snow storm that recently coated missouri's landscapes  with about a foot and a half of snow. i mean, i don't know exactly how much got to other places, but columbia looks like it failed to dodge a giant avalanche. so. my funny story is about sledding. sledding was one of the first things on my mind after the storm, and luckily derek and i know a lot of fun people, because a whole party went out to a ginormous sledding hill as soon as we could drive there. i was pretty excited. derek and i got all of our layers and layers of sledding gear on. i put on my impenetrable-to-the-cold, 200 pound snow boots - brett, you know the ones- thick fuzzy pants, three long sleeve shirts, my big poufy coat, one of derek's stocking caps, and two pairs of gloves. and i wore those clothes around the apartment for quite a while. the truth is, i was pretty excited to go and probably got dressed way before i needed to. i ate lunch in my snow clothes, sat and stared at the wall in my snow clothes, talked to derek while he got dressed in my snow clothes. i was ready to sled. but, a few minutes before molly came to pick us up, i started feeling pretty groggy. i think it must have been a mix of eating pretty heavy food for lunch and being in hot, heavy clothes for so long in a warm apartment. by the time molly got there i was really ready to take a nap. i was a little distressed to have been drained somehow of my energy, but, nevertheless, i was still looking forward to getting out on the hill.

  when we got there there were already a ton of people, mostly little kids through high school, scattered all about on the hill. and they were flying down the snowy slope like crazy - some kids had built ramps, others just grabbed anything and everything they could find - from tupperware lids and recyling bags to uber expensive turbo sleds - and slid down the hill like there was no tomorrow. we found the rest of our party, gleeful red in their faces and excitedly screaming, taking turns going down the hill on one big long plastic sled, one little round single-person sled, and recycling bags. and oh man. i was tired. but excited. all of the four people that i arrived with decided to make our maiden trip down the hill together, in the big long plastic sled. i was to be in the front because i was the smallest and lightest (i have no idea why it works that way, but they said that more weight needed to be in the back for some reason). so on the sled we piled and began to scoot forward, inch by inch, until stephen ran over, urgently, holding the little round sled in his hands and saying, "the front gets it" or "the front eats it" or something like that (i think my hat had muffled my hearing). he put the little plastic sled in my hands, looked assuringly into my eyes, and said, "here, use this as a shield." i think i was a little confused at this point. a bunch of people started explaining something about snow flying up, and i think i kind of understood, but i was really just pretty anxious to go down the hill. but okay, i thought, i understand that these people want me to hold this little plastic sled in front of me as we go down. i could do that. sure. so there we were, teetering, tottering, as i held the sled up. we inched forward. and then it all began. all of a sudden we accelerated at an incredible rate. i remember having that falling feeling, that my-stomach-is-inside-my-throat-and-and-if-my-heart-beats-any-faster-i-am-going-to-die feeling. the thing was, i couldn't see. it was awful, scary, and i couldn't think fast enough to know what to do. lucklily that problem was taken care of by several big bumps that sent the veiw-blocking sled flying. oh, but then there was another, bigger problem. literal streams of snow were, i think, shooting up from the ground and into my face. you know that great slip and slide game we all loved to play as children? the one where you slide down a long piece of plastic into a sprinkler shooting water at you? yeah, think of that, but minus the fun and add snow. so what did i do? well, the only logical thing i could have done: i stuck both of my hands and feet in front of me to block the snow. having forgotten completely that my boots were nearly twice my weight, the fact that i was sitting in the very front of the sled and that we we going down very fast took its evil toll on my situation. i became instantly terrified that i would fall forward out of the sled and be run over and killed. i at this point molly, who was sitting behind me, must have had her arms torn off by the wind that was whipping all around our little bullet of a sled. i say this because i could no longer feel her arms around me. yep, i was pretty sure she had called me a goner, loosed her grip, and clung to the sled for her own dear life. i summoned all of the concentration i had to yell, "MOLLY! HOLD ME!" but alas, fate was set against me. when i opened my mout it was instantly filled with wind and snow. i choked, saw my life flash before my eyes, and then i died. or, rather, the sled stopped at the bottom of the hill. as i became aware that i was still alive and breathing, i stood up, blind (the snow had been packed so densely on my face that it had turned into a mask of ice and i had to wait several painful moments for the freezing thing to melt before i could open my eyes) and i became immediantly concerned for everyone elses safety. was i the only survivor? did anyone else make it?   ... and then i realized that there was laughter all around me. and exclamations of "that was awesome!" etc. clearly a few people must have hit their heads and turned a little nutty. but no - when i opened my eyes i saw them charging up the hill to go again. now. my emotional state has been a little delicate lately (for no really good reason except for that i am a girl) , and i really thought i was going to cry. what had happened? why didn't everyone think that they were going to die?  even more importantly, why did i think i was going to die? confused, cold, and shaken, i trudged back up the hill. there i sat, at the top, while the hill of death loomed in front of me, disguising its perilousness with dozens of laughing, smiling seven-year-olds. i couldn't do it again. i just couldn't. it was lunacy. every once and a while someone would bob up to me, red, smiley face, and say, "ashley, you should go again." "no, thats okay, you go," i would say. or, "i am not ready". but i really wanted to go again. i wanted to have fun sledding, like i normally do. but i honestly couldn't. the rest of the trip was mingled fear and a desire to have fun, compounded by emotionalness that turned me into a five-year old (but not a five year old like the ones that were going down the hill). i think i actually started to cry when i willed myself to go down the second time. and i still really can't figure out what happened to me, except that its really funny now.
  

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